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I'm being abused by my partner and what now?

I'm being abused by my partner

abused by my partner

In short

    Violence by your partner usually doesn't go away on its own.
    You can talk about it with your family doctor. 
    It is also possible to talk to an unknown counsellor at Safe Home.You don't have to say your name.
    Your family doctor and/or Safe Home can provide the right help. 

What are examples of abuse?

Both women and men can be victims of abuse.

In case of abuse, you can experience different things, mentally and/or physically. For example, your partner: 

  1.     is sometimes aggressive and sometimes sweet.
  2.     treats you like property, is easily jealous
  3.     wrecks things at home
  4.     you hit or threaten to hit
  5.     make you do things you don't want to do, sometimes sexually
  6.     humiliate you
  7.     wants to let people know who's boss in all sorts of ways
  8.     always wants to know where you are and what you're doing

After violence, most partners promise it won't happen again. There are probably also periods when your relationship seems good. You hope then that it's over. But in many relationships with violence, the violence becomes more and more serious.

Advice if you are mistreated

  •  Violence in one relationship is not normal. It often gets worse without help. That's why you should get help. 
  • Children who witness abuse often take over that behavior. They may later find themselves in the same situation, either as perpetrators or victims. This can be an extra reason to look for help. 
  • You can talk about it with your doctor. 
  •  Maybe you prefer to talk (first) with a stranger. Then you can call a member of call the care provider
  •  The care worker will listen, and you can find out together what help you want.
  •  You don't have to say your name if you don't want to. 

Help from the general practitioner in case of serious problems

Your doctor will ask you to tell him what happened. Then the doctor will be able to do the following: 

  1.     Find out how big the problems are.
  2.     If you have children, the doctor will check whether they are safe. 
  3.   Ask for advice from Veilig Thuis and preferably also from another doctor. The family doctor will do this without mentioning your name and the name of your partner.
  4.  Talk to you and your partner. About the concerns and possible solutions. The family doctor thinks carefully about whether this is possible and discusses with you whether this is possible. So that you don't get into even more trouble because of this. 

    If necessary, consult with other care providers who also know you and/or your partner. For this he or she will ask permission from you and your partner.   

After this, the family doctor will decide what is needed. If the situation is not safe for you, the doctor will report this to Veilig Thuis. He or she will need your permission for this.
Sometimes someone does not give permission for this. In that case the family doctor will only make a report in case of serious danger. For example, if the safety of your children is at stake.

.Help from Safe Home when reporting abuse

 Safe Home investigates investigates the situation. Safe Home will talk to both of you if possible.

 If there is still room for discussion with your partner, you can make arrangements together about how you want to deal with each other. 
If the situation is too unsafe, Safe Home will find a safe place for you and the children. 

What help is possible with violence in relationships?

Examples of help are:

  help from a social worker (the neighbourhood social team)
 psychological help for your partner: for example if the outbursts of anger are due to psychological problems
in case of a drinking problem: help through the GP to drink less or no more
 In case of drug addiction: help of the addiction care to get rid of the addiction
 psychological help for you, e.g. in case of anxiety 
 a restraining order: your partner may not enter your home for 10 days. During those days Safe Home provides help, for you and also for your partner. 
 Victim shelter for women or men.
  specific women's shelter stay-at-home.

Dealing with stress during violence in a relationship

Violence often gives tension or fear. It can cause a lot of stress. Some advice to reduce stress:

 Don't put your emotions away. Confide in someone and talk about it. For example with a friend, family member or colleague.
 Don't shut yourself off from people who are important to you, such as your parents, girlfriends. 
  Do not take sleeping pills or tranquillisers. Talk to your doctor first if you want to use them. 
  Do not take alcohol or drugs to feel less.
 Look for distractions. It helps to stay in your daily rhythm, like going to work. 
 It can help to talk to people who have also experienced violence in their relationship. You can do this online at Victim Support and through the Hear my Voice helpline.

You can get help in coping with shocking events. The family doctor can refer you to a therapist. Psychotherapy can help you to process the events.

When to contact in case of violence in a relationship?

If something happens again and you feel unsafe, call 112. The police know how to deal with abuse.



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